I'd like to look at the conventional wisdom around temper tantrums for a minute here. Have you ever observed (or been subject to) tantrums that were in progress during which parents (perhaps even yourself) were actually following the typical ignore-the-tantrum advice? Maybe in a store, a child or infant was screaming. The parent responded thus: (1) ignoring the temper tantrum and the child, (2) staying calm and cool, (3) acting unruffled and nonchalant, and (4) as soon as possible (while sustaining an unhurried appearance) making it past the checkout and out of the store. This situation was much to everyone's relief, except most likely the child's-whose anger and frustration by that point in time had escalated to the extreme.
Let's look more carefully at this paradigm. (I promise-that is the only super-annoying scholarly word I'll use here.) Responding to temper tantrums by mostly ignoring them is the basis of a decades- or even centuries-old parenting model or set of practices, assumptions, values, and concepts that presents a misguided or wrongheaded way of seeing temper tantrum reality.
The experts have been telling parents all along to ignore temper tantrums simply because (so they say) it's just the best way to deal with temper tantrum behavior in children. But parenting experts usually admit that responding by ignoring never changes or eliminates the tantrum behavior-since, after all, tantrum behavior for children is normal, natural, and inevitable.
Tantrum Probability: Tantrum behavior + responding by ignoring = tantrum behavior.
This circular theory begs a number of questions. What ability is there for parents to know if they are ignoring the temper tantrums thoroughly enough or well enough? I'm just kidding. I really don't think anyone asks that question. They should, though. How can any parents possibly know if the technique of ignoring tantrums is even valid and beneficial like the experts say it is? There's no change or success whatsoever to measure and nothing with which to evaluate the effectiveness of this technique. In fact, this technique doesn't purport to be effective in creating a change. The use of this technique isn't meant to solve anything. If the temper tantrum behavior stays the same or perhaps even gets worse, the parents are just supposed to keep responding by ignoring-just because the parenting experts say so.
And that's precisely what I did in the beginning, as a brand new parent. I regularly ignored the tantrums with my first four children until they each outgrew their tantrum behavior, usually at about two years old as the parenting advisors had predicted. As well, I responded to my fifth baby's tantrums by ignoring them, until I learned that my response was provoking his tantrum behavior. I learned that ignoring temper tantrum and pre-temper-tantrum anger is part of the cause of temper tantrums. And I learned that for as long as temper tantrums are ignored they will continue to occur.
Let's look more carefully at this paradigm. (I promise-that is the only super-annoying scholarly word I'll use here.) Responding to temper tantrums by mostly ignoring them is the basis of a decades- or even centuries-old parenting model or set of practices, assumptions, values, and concepts that presents a misguided or wrongheaded way of seeing temper tantrum reality.
The experts have been telling parents all along to ignore temper tantrums simply because (so they say) it's just the best way to deal with temper tantrum behavior in children. But parenting experts usually admit that responding by ignoring never changes or eliminates the tantrum behavior-since, after all, tantrum behavior for children is normal, natural, and inevitable.
Tantrum Probability: Tantrum behavior + responding by ignoring = tantrum behavior.
This circular theory begs a number of questions. What ability is there for parents to know if they are ignoring the temper tantrums thoroughly enough or well enough? I'm just kidding. I really don't think anyone asks that question. They should, though. How can any parents possibly know if the technique of ignoring tantrums is even valid and beneficial like the experts say it is? There's no change or success whatsoever to measure and nothing with which to evaluate the effectiveness of this technique. In fact, this technique doesn't purport to be effective in creating a change. The use of this technique isn't meant to solve anything. If the temper tantrum behavior stays the same or perhaps even gets worse, the parents are just supposed to keep responding by ignoring-just because the parenting experts say so.
And that's precisely what I did in the beginning, as a brand new parent. I regularly ignored the tantrums with my first four children until they each outgrew their tantrum behavior, usually at about two years old as the parenting advisors had predicted. As well, I responded to my fifth baby's tantrums by ignoring them, until I learned that my response was provoking his tantrum behavior. I learned that ignoring temper tantrum and pre-temper-tantrum anger is part of the cause of temper tantrums. And I learned that for as long as temper tantrums are ignored they will continue to occur.
About the Author:
Want to find out more about tantrums, then visit Leanna Rae Scott's site for tantrum solutions for your needs.. Unique version for reprint here: A Recipe For More Temper Tantrums: Ignoring Temper Tantrums.
This article collected, selected and written by: Author Van Hoc
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